As a psychotherapist I have been no stranger to listening to people talk about their grief. When I lost my father to pancreatic cancer in September 2018 I gained a new understanding of what people mean when they say “Holidays aren’t a happy time for everyone.” The holidays that had always been a reason for celebration took on a new feeling: for the first time ever, I kind of dreaded them.
Because we all deserve to enjoy the holidays, regardless of what or who we have lost along the way, here are five strategies to help you get the most out of your holiday season after losing a loved one.
1. Mentally prepare for triggers. Considering my father’s love of all things Christmas there is no shortage of things that remind me of him during this season (I.e. every single ornament and Christmas movie.) When trying to continue a tradition without your loved one there, be kind to yourself when/if you discover that you are not experiencing the same joy from the activity. Traditions may feel bittersweet, weird, terrible, etc. All of it is okay and to be expected, so give yourself time to get through them and allow for flexibility in case you need to abandon the activity altogether.
2. Respect your needs. After losing a loved one, there are many possible reactions to the holidays. Some people may want to strictly adhere to their long-held traditions for comfort. Other’s may want to do something completely different and retreat to a tropical location. Some may want to switch things up and create new traditions. As you honor what you need, you may find that other loved ones are doing what they need, too. Understand that they are also trying to cope and do not take it personally if they have different plans.
3. Carve out quiet time. The season from Thanksgiving through New Years can be a whirlwind of social engagements, cramming school or work duties into a smaller amount of time, and family obligations. All of the forced social interaction and crazy schedules, coupled with grief, can result in total burnout if we aren’t careful. Now is a time to prioritize yourself by upping the self care without guilt: make time for exercise, keep your therapy appointments, schedule a quiet night in, or book a massage. Whatever you usually do to manage your stress, do not neglect it during this overstimulating time. Self care is not selfish.
4. Don’t overindulge in alcohol or sugar. While this is a great rule to follow year-round the holiday season provides for more opportunities than usual to indulge in food and drink. According to the American Psychological Association, the gut is often referred to as “the second brain” and can produce up to 95% of our body’s serotonin, a neurotransmitter that directly affects our mood. That is why it is so important to be mindful of what we eat and drink. Alcohol in particular is a depressant, and having too much of it can trigger our emotions to skyrocket and then crash. Sugar does the same thing with our energy levels. Keep your alcohol consumption to a reasonable amount (one drink per hour followed by a glass of water each time) and only pick your favorite Christmas cookie to indulge in. If they are all your favorite, as is my problem, pop the leftovers in the freezer to enjoy at a later date.
5. Learn to say “no.” Whether you are an introvert, extrovert, or something in between, grief can truly challenge the beliefs we have about ourselves and our personalities. While you may have previously been the life of the party, bereavement can suddenly have you feeling like a hermit. The holiday season comes with lots of social obligations: work holiday parties, Friendsgivings, brunch at Great Aunt Ethel’s, group excursions to see the Rockettes, etc. etc. Because of the importance of tip number three, learn how to gracefully bow out from an invitation. Most people are very understanding when someone they care about is grieving, and if they’re not, well, is that really the party you want to prioritize? If you’re having trouble choosing, implement Warren Buffett’s 10/10/10 decision making rule: Ask yourself “How will I feel about my decision in ten minutes? Ten months? Ten years?” All of a sudden that work party may not seem so important.
By utilizing these five strategies I hope that you find the holidays to be a little easier for you this year! Always remember that you never know what people are going through, so sensitivity and kindness during the holidays is important. While many people are open to talking about their grief or sadness, others keep it to themselves. Whatever you need to do is fine, as long as you are taking care of yourself and doing your best to make healthy decisions. If you ever feel like you need more support with your grief, psychotherapists and support groups are available to help you sort through your feelings any time you need.