The fact that I am just sitting down now to write this post exemplifies what 2019 has been like already: BUSY. However, if I were to tell you that I have been working nonstop I would not be telling you the truth. Already this year I have been making sincere efforts at balance. Weeks ago I promised that I would share with you what my personal intention word for 2019 would be and here it is: CONNECTED.
Why did I choose this word as my intention for 2019? I think it would help for me to take a step backwards and tell you that my word for 2018 was GROUNDED. It was very easy for me to come up with this word. This time last year my father was going through some extremely aggressive chemotherapy and his body was not handling it well. He needed someone with him at all times. My family and I were balancing our lives, our businesses, and our own health, while also making sure this person we love very much was still breathing. It was a time of insane stress and sadness I would not wish on my worst enemy.
At that time, life felt so surreal that I was simply craving the feeling of my feet on the floor. Stability in a time with so many scary unknowns. I craved the notion of being present, and it took all of my strength to be there for the people who were counting on me. There was never a question of whether or not I would be there for them, but I found that I was not putting myself on the list of priorities. I was so preoccupied with fear that I was not telling anyone outside of my immediate family exactly how much stress I was under. It was too painful to share and I felt like a burden.
Here’s what I learned: by not telling them how I was feeling I was not giving anyone an opportunity to help me. I felt resentful without giving anyone a chance. I eventually came to this realization and did what was necessary: I opened up. And I felt the love pour in.
September 2018 was the worst month of my life. I lost my father to pancreatic cancer at the age of 62. I knew it was coming but it did not make this loss any easier. It felt like I was watching this tragedy happen to someone else and that everything would return to normal someday. But it turns out it’s just time for a new normal. 2018 was a year of loneliness even though I was surrounded by so many incredible people. That’s just how grief goes for me.
Fast forward to now.
It took me a while to come up with the right word, but after some serious reflection CONNECTED makes sense and feels good. 2018 was a year of feeling alone in a crowded room and in 2019 I want to feel like I am a part of things again. I am going to celebrate getting married to the love of my life by finally going on our honeymoon. We were married in 2017 but planning a honeymoon any sooner than this did not make sense because there were so many unknowns. I am spending more time with my friends. I am spending a lot of time with my family. I’m reading and writing a lot. I’m doing things just for fun.
I am allowing myself to speed up and slow down as needed, allowing creativity, allowing happiness, allowing self care, and doing my best not to feel guilty about it.
I am allowing happiness in spite of my grief.
And happiness for me means being connected to everything. Connected to you. Connected to the people I work with. Connected to my business. Connected to my body and my mind. Connected to the Universe and something bigger than myself.
My intention for 2019 is to be connected to it all. The light and the dark. To all the feelings. And I encourage you to try it with me.
If this resonates with you, or you want someone to hear you, I am here. Very much connected. Shoot me an e-mail if you feel like a chat.
–Julia